Good Experiment

Well, keeping my dreams and their interpretations seperate from my main diary was an interesting experiment, but I don't think it works as well as it was before, so I'm stopping this here and carrying on, starting 2008, having the dreams in the main diary text. You should be able to find it somehow at the following link:

http://followyourstar.zxq.net/reflecting/diaries/index.html

This links to all the diaries and dreams.

I don't say I'll never update this blog-page... but I doubt it.

Complete 2007 Retrospective

 11-4-7

 

I was on a moored river boat. There were some really weird weather conditions and the fish started going by in their millions in a different direction (against the current) and I could see them at the surface grasping for air.

    I realised how easy it would be for me to catch one and so got some bait sorted out, but then wasn't sure if I actually wanted one -- i.e. was it ethical, or even desirable, to have one?

 

Interpretation

 

This dream came true. I was in Yangshou and the Li river where I used to sit was the same as in the dream. People kept coming all the time and tried really hard to speak to me, probably to practice English, but I was really non-chalant with them. So it must have been like swimming against the tide for them. But I spend a lot of time feeling bad when alone, but when I'm in a place meeting all the people I could want to, I don't like it and used to just ignore them and walk off.

 

Friday 13th April 2007

 

I was checking out of a hostel, but when I went to the room, there was a note there saying that the owners were away. In a nearby cybercafe I asked why the owners were away, and the people running the cybercafe said that the hostel owners do this (are away) all the time. There was a guy there who said he'd help me break in. We went upstairs. He thought it was a locker that I needed to get into, and I explained that it was into my room and he was still OK with it.

    We got up there and there was someone else also locked out.

    Just then the owners turned up and I warned them that the guy was helping me so that he wasn't in trouble.

    Then I was in a kind of shower that was next to a lake; the shower was open and on the side of a building. I looked at the water in the lake, and decided that though it looked nice, it would be far too cold to go in.

    I curled up and it was a bit like being in a womb. Some really little kids came and nearly jumped in but I managed to stop them.

    I felt warm and safe and enclosed.

 

Interpretation

 

I guess just saying that I feel safe, in the kind of places I live in?

 

 15 04 07 

 

I was with Junko. We were going to Japan to live together. She was telling me about a serialised drama on TV she had watched and really enjoyed.

 

Interpretation

 

Snippet.

 

14 May 07

 

I was on the banks of the Li river talking to someone or doing something, I don't recall what.

 

Interpretation

 

I remembered this dream in the middle of a conversation with a student, actually sitting where I'd dreamt, and felt grateful right there, in the middle of the conversation. Grateful, I suppose, for my connection in this way.

 

 3-5-7

 

I was in a UK school with a blind friend. I told him that I was at the school thirty years ago and a load of foreign students had asked me to help them with their English. Now I was here all these years later and it was happening again.

    I executed a frog.

 

INTERPRETATION

 

    I always felt more at home with foreigners, and spent much of my life trying to be around them.

    I think the part about the frog refers to the religious studies I was doing at the time. That I was dissecting them means I look at the things I read (much of it exoteric (not sure if that's the right word, I mean the external practice of religion without direct divine experience) and obvious silliness by people who had no idea about spirituality but started religions anyway, which somehow resonated with other people who have no practical spirituality about them either). 

 

 Dream 31-05-07

 

I was on a bed halfway between where I live (at the time) and where I work in Riverside Restaurant. It was a bed in the road. I lay on it and looked to who it belonged to so I could pay them for laying on it. They weren't around so I decided to lay there anyway and pay later.

    I sat up on the bed and used the computer which was at its foot. There were remnants of a poker game I used to pay, plus something I think vaguely was to do with the tenants of my aunt's shop. I think I was deleting them.

 

Interpretation

 

I used to play poker for five pounds (well once), but now I'm investing the inheritance online, so it shows that difference.

 

The bed shows my sleeping problems (very bad) and the metered bed means that time is money (as I have to make it before going broke now).

 

Not sure about the Asians. Either it's literal and A's tenants will be leaving, or it could be reiterating something I've though quite a lot, and that is that I'm really glad that I'm in China and not India right now; it was the right time to get out of there.

 

5th June 2006 (Junko (leaving Yangshou))

 

I was in France and went to where Junko is living. We met and I agreed with her that I'd got pretty obsessed with her. She was living with someone else now and was very different.

 

Interpretation

 

Having possibly found Junko online, I'd have to wake up from the past dream and actually accept change and impermanence.

 

8th June 2007 (Nanning)

 

I dreamt that I woke up and my arm was dislocated -- but then I looked and it was kind of partly out the socket without pain, -- and it kind of went back in.

    I woke up and all was fine.

 

Interpretation

 

Fear (literal) as it does (or did) actually dislocate sometimes.

 

?18th (Sunday) June Hanoi 

 

I entered some kind of historic tunnels where the Jews had escaped from something with the help of ???'

 

Interpretation

 

Leaving Hanoi, light worry.

 

Separate dream, I think the same night

 

Someone said I'd put weight on

 

Interpretation

 

Literal

 

 23 June 2007 (1st day in Nha Trang)

 

I was in a room somewhere in a kind of holiday complex. The manager was the owner of Green hotel in Pokhara, Nepal - but in the dream it was just some generic place.

    I was about to go looking for a place to live, but the manager convinced me to stay high up in a hut for 600 of some unspecified currency.

    I  was then outside the room and saw some mechanical animal with large eyes that looked kind of grotesque

 

Interpretation

 

About to go an look for a room. Perhaps... the mechanical grotesqueness means my avoidance of certain things is just mechanical past conditioning. [Not sure about the second part of the interpretation; possibly some part of the dream was deleted]

 

2nd July 2007

 

I was living in a hotel in some unspecified place. There was a redheaded woman who wanted an affair but I gave out closed signals.

    I noticed that she was touching herself, then she slowly edged towards me. She said that she hated travelling alone -- so I said it would be OK and I would date her just for now -- but it was awkward as I had been about to leave, but thought that I could at least stay another day or so.

    We went out and there was a fast food-shop where I think she worked. There had recently been some complaints about it.

    We went into this shop on a hill. I wandered off by myself , but there was a kid who followed me without me knowing, and then I was in trouble as he was lost for a moment  [can't take responsibility!]

    At the start of this dream, I was out with A. along the Kettering Road. I felt OK but missed M and wished I was with her instead.

 

Interpretation

 

    Bit too deep. I think showing that A is a lot to do with my avoidance tendencies.

 

?Friday 6th July 2007

 

    I was on a bus going to a new place. We went through the city gates and arrived at a hotel. It was really busy so I went into this busy room where everyone was preoccupied watching something -- so I just found an empty bed  and lay down.

    I slept and went to check in retrospectively. It was OK and the guy already knew that I was there. He said that the rent was only '100 for 3 days'; I don't know what currency that was, but I do know that it was a good price.

    I went back to bed. There was someone in mine, so I slept elsewhere.

    We were then being given jobs. There was some kind of salesperson job that was being arranged. It involved taking a fast boat to Mumbai and being involved in sales or something. It involved receiving a free laptop; so I was pretty happy about it.

    Then there was a flashback to when the bus arrived at the city gates. This vehicle was so overloaded with things that something fell off the top of the vehicle when it arrived.

    Then it went forward in time. I was going to bed. Someone was in my bed. I looked up to one that had a folding mirror.

    But I ended up on a bed by the door which was raised, unlike my previous mattress on the floor, and I realised it was better.

 

Interpretation

 

Finding a more permanent situation, the possible desirability of doing so.

 

 ?17 July 2007 (Tuesday) Nha Trang Vietnam

 

I was semi-permanently living in China with a partner. We were getting on OK and a little romantic together -- bit it was time for me to leave. I think I decided to leave my shoes behind.

    I went out on a balcony. She'd packed things up there. I went further down by a lake surrounded by people fishing. I looked out to the hundreds of fishing floats on the water, and they were all getting bites. Someone cast their line up and caught a bird.

    Behind me, people started clapping and cheering as an Australian couple arrived on a motorbike doing a huge leap off a bridge. They overshot and accidentally entered a building, but emerged laughing through another set of doors at the front. I noticed that they were dressed as bride and groom

 

Interpretation

 

If I ever met someone, it could be a transient, on the fact that I'll never settle down.

 

 Friday 20th July 2007 Vietnam

 

Note: remembered at Nha Trang Post Office, I'd previously woken up and recalled it, then went to sleep, concentrating on the memory, and it came back to me.

 

    I went to Junko's house and delivered a letter, thinking that if she replies and wants to know me, then it's ok, and if not and I hear nothing, then that's OK also.

    I walked away and after some time, was attacked by a dog.

 

Interpretation

 

    I'm happy go lucky and try not to be hurt or clinging, though I suppose the dream says that I somehow feel that there's some cruelty present in not letting me know how things are (though that could well be kindness).

 

30-7-7

 

I was lost?

    I was in a room with a witch who had sent out a magic 'familiar' black cat that had been sent out and now, the witch was burning incense as she saw through it's eyes as it tracked a 'shot from the past'.

    I asked her for directions, kind of, 'to the future'. She explained where to go. There was a map and I showed her my understanding of where I was now and where I was to end up. I had to go along a path that ran parallel to a forest.

    I'm not exactly sure of the sequence -- but I think I had arrived at my destination. It was like a carpark/forecourt to a building, linked to a kind of enclosed-type hotel, enclosed in that the rooms looked in on each other.

    I was living just around the corner. I lay down on the floor as home wasn't far away. There were some kids near me. I looked up at the types of rooms and realised that there were quite a few rooms with windows.I realised it would be quite nice to stay and know that I might in the future.

    I suddenly felt  threatened by the people around me, but when I looked the older intimidating people had left, there were just a few younger kids. I felt safe and so lay down and settled in for the night.

 

Interpretation

 

Being haunted is the loneliness. Not sure about the magic, but it probably shows a psychic link to J? the times I'd known what she's doing and have seen her etc.

    The forecourt is considering a different way of being i.e. getting to know some people. The intimidating people are gone -- i.e. a few ghosts that stopped me knowing people are gone -- and looking at the windows is thinking that it might be more fun to know some people. Sleeping there means considering being different at the moment, without taking the actual plunge.

 

 2-8-7

 

I was in a place where ... smoking herbal medicine was legal, but chose not to.

 

Interpretation

 

I recite the precepts daily and live by them, so it just refers to this.

 

?4th August 2007 Nha Trang Vietnam

 

    I was on a train that arrived somewhere -- then seemed to carry on somewhere else, but actually was only being shunted forward a little way, so we were actually already there. I got off with everyone else and was l little angry at having been waiting longer than I'd needed to to get off the train.

    I got out and went to a cinema and was pleasantly surprised that 'Dharma Bums' was showing.

 

Interpretation

 

    Junko Imanishi gave me that book to read when we were in Perth as her brother had given it to her.

    I suppose the train is my constant train of thought (about her) and that the practice of Buddhism might be a way out?

 

Monday 13th August 2007 - Nha Trang - Vietnam

 

     I was in an office, sitting in a queue waiting for transport. It moved forward and I pushed my chair forward, then realised people were leaving to join the vehicle, and so went out and started walking.

     I got really badly lost and ended up holding onto vegetation, climbing down a mountain looking at a police post and thinking that I would have to ask them to call me a taxi.

     When I'd descended I realised I was just near to where I needed to be so was OK. I sat with the fellow passengers in the middle of the road. I knew I was in the right place because I saw on the map, or knew somehow, that the British Council was just up the street.

     Then we were all in a plane. It was a light-aircraft that flew relatively close to the ground. We  went past the land and headed out to the ocean. Because it was over featureless sea, there was the illusion that we were going slow. I made the joke to the passengers around me that it would be quicker if I walked, and everyone laughed.

 

Interpretation

 

     Leaving for the... where ever I was going, is my new life plan. Getting lost shows that state I got stuck in in the UK too long. Ending up as I did in the dream is now knowing what I'm doing. But it all takes a long time. Incidentally, The British Council is where I might end up taking the exams.

 

 Friday 17th August 2007 Nha Trang Vietnam

 

     I was in a cafe and tried to order an ice coffee. The first boy said that they just didn't do them, so I showed him the menu showing it. But he still said no and wouldn't give me a reason -- even though I'd seen his colleague make one for someone else.

     Then, still there, I got a reply to an email. It was from the British Council. I'm not sure if all of it was from the British Council, or another email form another source which was something about dating. The one from the British Council was about exams. The other was (or that one) was asking me to send a 'photo negative' of myself?

     I left to go and find another place for coffee.

     I passed a church and there were prayers for someone directed to a saint. It was explained that the saint had previously answered someone's prayer by combining his power with that of an angel -- so now they were praying for someone else -- and mentioned this person's name. Possibly Mark?

 

Interpretation

 

Possibly a 'photo negative' is what I could be, potential which is as yet undeveloped.

 

26th August 2007 Nha Trang

 

     I was studying about my about my medical condition in DSM, then I realised that there are Asian versions of the same thing.

 

Interpretation

 

     Having this condition while living in Asia is isolating, but I have to remember that Asian people also can have problems like mine, and I should reach out and feel less isolated.

 

---

 

A Few Days Later

 

     I was arguing with someone exactly what it means to keep the precepts.

 

Interpretation

 

     Something I often wonder about, as I recite and vow them each morning as I put my beads on.

 

 

6 September 2007 - in a hotel during the overland trip to Cambodia

 

I couldn't sleep and felt a presence in the room. I came out of my body OBE and it was dark but I could see my body in the bed. I expected to see some kind of ghost or something because of the presence I had picked up while falling asleep, but it was actually just an evil atmosphere type thing. I decided to call on a higher power to pull me up into the sky and into a heavenly realm, so I raised my arms and asked for this, but suddenly shot down through the ground instead. I knew I'd end up somewhere not so nice, but also knew that it wouldn't last and so was quite blase and happy about it. I just said out loud, 'OK, I'll go down, but come and get me soon , I still choose the light!'

 

Interpretation

 

    I think that it was just bad vibes in that particular room as I'd had a disagreement with the management. Choosing the light, when the light is ready for me, refers to my increased acceptance and surrender.

 

 

 Monday 17th September 2007

 

     I got a letter from J. In it here were some photographic transparencies. There were some shots of her in a bathing suit, and also some repeating pictures of a red-haired guy whom I assumed was her husband/partner. In one of the pictures he was seated on a place and a few seats down there was an unidentified Asian woman who seemed to be connected to him in some unspecified say.

     I felt down (depressed), but had a budget ticket to South America booked. I didn't really want to go -- but considered it and realised that I'd be able to do a trip and see a lot of new countries, so I forced myself to go on.

     I was in a hotel and realised that I was late for the airport bus. I started flapping about but met some guy who was going to the same destination and realised that the bus hadn't arrived yet.

     Then I was on the plane. There was a small section at the back where you're allowed to smoke. I extinguished a cigarette in someones food, but I don't think she was so bothered -- it was waste food in a bag.

 

Interpretation

 

     Still getting used to the reality, as opposed to the dream, that she really does exist and I really don't know how she is and she almost certainly forgot me!

     Going somewhere else is writing the book in China next year (possibly).

     I guess the waste is getting rid of what I don't need.

     ... could of course be literal, that she's with someone who isn't... wholly 'with' her, though I have to be very careful with that kind of thinking.

 

Thursday ?12th October, in Vientaine, Laos

 

    I went to Japan and paid J a surprise visit. Her husband turned up and we shook hands. He was Japanese and really friendly. There was a kind of party going on or something. She had a daughter now. She was in a back room and when informed I was there to see her, she sent a message that she didn't want to see me and started throwing out all the stuff I had ever sent her.

     I insisted on seeing her. She came and was icy cold and fuming mad;. I said hello and it was obvious that she wanted nothing more to do with me -- so I turned and left, forever.

 

Interpretation

 

Pretty much the first openly negative dream I've ever had about her. Perhaps my mind is allowing this possibility, now that I'm waking up a bit.

 

5th November 2007, Vientaine, Laos

 

     I was in a hotel room I'd just moved into but wasn't planning to actually stay there. There was some guy there that I really got on with. We discovered a kind of attractive place outside and he was really happy.

     I was travelling somewhere -- I think back to England. We passed through Delhi and I was really glad that I wasn't there anymore. There was an animal park paid for by Gandhi and a picture of a buffalo out the front, which he'd paid for because he loved the animals.

 

Interpretation

 

Don't know.

 

6 November 2007 Laos

 

I was passing a grassy area by a river where I knew a hotel manager had spoken to an effeminate boy. I wasn't sure if he was speaking to him for sex or just to be friendly, but it was marked on a map as a no smoking area.

     Then it was night and I was in the hotel where the manager worked, having an argument with the staff. They said I hadn't paid my rent but I had. I then found the receipt. It was ripped in half, but clearly showed the date and that I had paid. I was jubilant.

     I went out for a walk. The streets were a bit littered because previously there had been some kind of party or festival. A man was cleaning the street with a hose and my feet got splashed wet as I passed and I found that I was mildly irritated.

 

Interpretation

 

Don't know.

 

 31 October 2007

 

I was on a train with an injured dog I'd adopted, and I was talking to a vet. The handrail was broken and I found it difficult to hold on.

     The train stopped. Suddenly, I was with someone and we saw a sign for a veterinary surgery, so we bought special tickets that we needed to get out of the station, but then were informed that there was no vet there. The ticket woman gave us directions to another vet in the opposite direction 'just beyond the racetrack'. I think the man just walked off.

     I started to walk off to find the vet. I put the dog down and it started running around. I was a bit worried but it seemed happy. Another dog came that was someone's pet and I petted it.

 

 Interpretation

 

     Putting down the J. obsession a bit?

 

 

Towards the end of Nov, in Nong Khai, Thailand

[Note: Had been ill with recurring throat sensations]

 

I was spitting blood everywhere, some of it thick and congealed.

 

Interpretation

 

Health worries.

 

 

Friday 16th November 2007

 

     I was with J in France and we were moving in together now. I'm not sure, but I think that it was on the understanding that it was only for a week or something.

     I got there and it was idyllic and perfect. There was gentle, classical music playing and she'd lit millions of white candles all equally spaced out over the whole room to be romantic and she looked and me and smiled and looked beautiful.

 

Interpretation

 

     Either the magic can work, or it has in the past.

         Go!

 

Same day, remembered later.

 

     There were some people looking at me and judging my health.

     They said you can judge a person's health by the whites of their eyes. They looked at mine and said I was (am) Ok.

 

Interpretation

 

The second dream I had that my health is OK, the first being Guangzhou when I first started the trip.

 

 Sangha Day 25-11-07 Thailand

 

     There was some reason for me to make a voting choice in the UK elections and I told someone that it's irrelevant as I've never been British.

 

Interpretation

 

Literal.

 

27-11-07 Chiang Mai

 

I phoned Gins Guest House about the boat to China and was told that there was some problem.

 

Interpretation

 

[Writing this two months later]. Hope not, as I'm booked to go the end of January.

 

Sunday 9th December 2007 - Chiang Mai

 

I was in Asia somewhere, mother and her partner had come to see me. They came out of a restaurant and we said hello, then went looking for somewhere to eat proper.

 

I ended up on a bus going back to Europe (somehow). It got really cold and snowed. People shivered and changed into warmer clothes, but I wasn't so bad and I was surprised that is was so uncomfortable for people.

 

The bus stopped and we all went into the toilet. I had to wait outside a cubicle for someone to finish. I caught my reflection in a mirror and noticed that my fat distribution was groqesque and I was completely wasp-waisted.

 

I realised that I'd have to go back and see M&A. I did so, and they'd found a restaurant they liked, but I didn't. I was polite, but realised that I would just sit there rather than eat.

 

Then I started looking for a flight back to Europe and I found an airline going called 'Bee".

 

Then I suddenly remembered that M. is dead and none of it matters.

 

Interpretation

 

Mother coming to Europe is her doing her own thing. Mother and myself completely did our own things in life.

 

Going on the cold bus is me traveling Asia completely alone in a way that would bother most people.

 

The wasp-waisted part is my disease, and how it contributes to my isolation.

 

Not sure about the plane. I think it means that I realise that M. is gone and so I can just go where I want to --- including deciding not to go to Europe next year (don't get me thinking!)

 

26th December 2007

     

I was with Jason at M's old house and we were going to town to meet Simon.

 

Interpretation

 

Snippet

 

27th December 2007

 

I was in an amusement arcade, really enjoying playing computer poker. I was only playing the free version. I know that I was supposed to put money in at some point, and actually gamble -- but didn't really want to risk it.

 

I met Nemia after all this time. She said that it had been so long and it was too hard to stay in touch, so we hadn't seen each other, but she'd always maintained an interest in magic, and I saw she was writing in a book about the magic she was currently studying and practicing.

 

 Interpretation

 

I avoided all love risks.

 

 

Retrospective Week

Some Retrospective Dreams of this Week

No Commitment

I met this Caucasian woman that I really liked in a friendly way. We were kissing. It was still friendly rather than passionate, but I went down and started kissing around her groin. She pulled me up gently and smiled, saying that if I did that it showed too much commitment and she'd rather stay friendly, so it was better to kiss her mouth only.

Interpretation

Not much detail to go on, but probably just stating that I don't like to get so close to people.

Dreams of Last Night. I had a little dream after about an hour of sleep, but was really tired and just scribbled something down which I can barely read, but I'll include it anyway.

I was on the budget airline Easyjet with _________ (my notebook shows a straight line here. I don't recall it, but I imagine that would be Junko), and missed by (unreadable word) as had to go back for ticket.

I went into Kennsington (an expensive part of London) and it was pouring. I hid in a pub. (unreadable word) left phone number and the waiter called him/her (last word ambiguous).

Interpretation

Well I can't be sure what it was about. In my half-sleeping state I've also written three words at the end, which are: easyjet, missed, paged.

My guess is that it's about missing Junko, missing my chance, and now being hesitant to contact her or know about her, but secretly thinking of getting a third party to find out for me (technically known as stalking (what am I saying!!!)) (Just because you think about something doesn't mean you'd do it).

I had another dream just before waking proper, which was better remembered and better written down.

I was with my mother in her old house which is currently being sold. Somehow, perhaps because of me, she had been roped into cleaning an old piece of leather for someone. She was obviously clueless how to go about it and it made me laugh as her ametuerish attempts were quite endearing.

Interpretation

This one's much easier. For more than the last decade of her life, my mother did everything she could to support and encourage me. Now I'm left with pretty much nothing, just some last money and I have to try and study and build a life. As I'm doing this I've been starting to wonder whether it would have been better to have less support (read mollycoddling) and have to look after myself a bit more, then I would have perhaps achieved more along the lines of what I'm now trying to do at this stage.

But I was pretty weird, always, a lot of problems. Perhaps I wouldn't have coped at all. the fact is I'm still here at least. Mother didn't ask to have a son like me with all these issues and problems and wasn't an expert in knowing what to do, but did her best I suppose -- and the dream says to appreciate that rather than play a game of 'what if' or pushing blame around.

Oh forgot

It's my friend's birthday, which was why it was on my mind.

Lifes a Bowl of Strawberries

This isn't actually a new dream, but I was thinking about the earlier one of strawberries. I recall how, in a parable of the Buddha, a trapped man in a dire situation, eating a strawberry, teaches non-attachment. I know that story well, which might be why my mind used the symbolism.

Anyway, it's played on my mind, not played, but I have actually given that dream some thought, perhaps because it's so useful to me. This memory of leaving someone does cause me pain, and my mind or whoever, is trying to show me how to look at it, in a way that's healed. So I did actually write something, while sitting in a cafe mulling it over.

Life's a Bowl of Strawberries

Life's a bowl of strawberries. Most people go through their days with little bits of happiness scattered amid the mundane greyness of getting through the day – and luckily, most people are too busy to notice the darkness in the sky —or have enough alcohol to forget, and taste each nugget of transient joy in the empty wasteland as though it will last forever.

But every now and again, just once in a while, true bliss enters the greyness of a life, and it's colour is so bright, and it's taste so sweet, that the agony of the truth is overridden for a time --, that it's a part of the changing world and will change with it -- that luscious taste can only be in one moment in time – is unbearable. If only I'd realised at the time, the desert that we were in, that forever after I'd dream of the sweetness with a mouth burning dry – I'd have watched each moment minutely – and yearned to be free.

Oh Strawberry dessert enchantment, desert desserted, I am.

Sabotaging Cult Spirit

I was staying in some place that was run by a religious cult. My alarm clock on the phone had been taken over by a spirit that was making sure it didn't go off on time. Now, I remember it as an evil spirit, though in my notebook I've only written down 'spirit'.

After I wrote that part, I remembered the part that came before it, which was that some people were lost and came to ask me directions to the youth hostel.

Interpretation

Well, the day I had this dream was the day I was planning to buy the first ticket of my epic journey to Asia, so it could be saying that there's a part of my mind which doesn't want to take risks and so is trying to sabotage it.

The Youth Hostel part lets me know that the dream is about travel.

Another thought is that I assosiate cults with being trapped, which is how I feel now.

As it turns out, I didn't get the ticket, even though the clock wasn't sabotaged. I left the hostel at eight and there just were'nt enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Though I'm intending to make a decision and buy the ticket before I leave London in two days.

Overall, it seems positive, that the dream is for my planned trip.

Junko Imanishi's Gifted Strawberries

Junko sent me a gift through the post, which arrived at my Aunt's house. I was so happy that I junped up and down for joy. I knew that I could finally tell people how much I love her rather than not mention it.

I ran out into the garden and opened the beautiful box, and realised, with some surprise, that the gift was actually fresh strawberries.

I imagined her picking them out and deciding to risk sending them, even though they're fresh, and was kind of disappointed that it was something that I couldn't keep forever. Then I just decided to eat them and enjoy the moment -- because most of all I was overjoyed that she had contacted me at last.

Interpretation

Not being able to talk about these strong feelings is harder now that I don't hear from her.

I think possibly it relates to something I'm planning. When we were in Perth, I took some negatives and transparencies of our times together. I risked having the negatives printed so that I could send her a set, though I was worried of damage as they're so precious. It turned out OK though.

Because I'm trying to leave the UK now I'll have to put them in storage, and I never did dare get around to having the transparencies scanned. Perhaps because, well no, really because they mean so much to me, they also contain the best picture I ever took. Of her in Victoria Youth Hostel, cutting a piece of cheese for our breakfast, with really fantastic light falling accross her.

I'm thinking of finally scanning them tomorrow; once they're digitised, they're much safer I guess. I think the strawberries show that sometimes in life, you have to enjoy things with an open hand, because there's nothing that lasts forever; you can't eat your strawberries as well as have them, and perhaps I should just have them scanned without feeling sad and missing her but just being glad of the experience of having met her?