Retrospective Week

Some Retrospective Dreams of this Week

No Commitment

I met this Caucasian woman that I really liked in a friendly way. We were kissing. It was still friendly rather than passionate, but I went down and started kissing around her groin. She pulled me up gently and smiled, saying that if I did that it showed too much commitment and she'd rather stay friendly, so it was better to kiss her mouth only.

Interpretation

Not much detail to go on, but probably just stating that I don't like to get so close to people.

Dreams of Last Night. I had a little dream after about an hour of sleep, but was really tired and just scribbled something down which I can barely read, but I'll include it anyway.

I was on the budget airline Easyjet with _________ (my notebook shows a straight line here. I don't recall it, but I imagine that would be Junko), and missed by (unreadable word) as had to go back for ticket.

I went into Kennsington (an expensive part of London) and it was pouring. I hid in a pub. (unreadable word) left phone number and the waiter called him/her (last word ambiguous).

Interpretation

Well I can't be sure what it was about. In my half-sleeping state I've also written three words at the end, which are: easyjet, missed, paged.

My guess is that it's about missing Junko, missing my chance, and now being hesitant to contact her or know about her, but secretly thinking of getting a third party to find out for me (technically known as stalking (what am I saying!!!)) (Just because you think about something doesn't mean you'd do it).

I had another dream just before waking proper, which was better remembered and better written down.

I was with my mother in her old house which is currently being sold. Somehow, perhaps because of me, she had been roped into cleaning an old piece of leather for someone. She was obviously clueless how to go about it and it made me laugh as her ametuerish attempts were quite endearing.

Interpretation

This one's much easier. For more than the last decade of her life, my mother did everything she could to support and encourage me. Now I'm left with pretty much nothing, just some last money and I have to try and study and build a life. As I'm doing this I've been starting to wonder whether it would have been better to have less support (read mollycoddling) and have to look after myself a bit more, then I would have perhaps achieved more along the lines of what I'm now trying to do at this stage.

But I was pretty weird, always, a lot of problems. Perhaps I wouldn't have coped at all. the fact is I'm still here at least. Mother didn't ask to have a son like me with all these issues and problems and wasn't an expert in knowing what to do, but did her best I suppose -- and the dream says to appreciate that rather than play a game of 'what if' or pushing blame around.

Oh forgot

It's my friend's birthday, which was why it was on my mind.

Lifes a Bowl of Strawberries

This isn't actually a new dream, but I was thinking about the earlier one of strawberries. I recall how, in a parable of the Buddha, a trapped man in a dire situation, eating a strawberry, teaches non-attachment. I know that story well, which might be why my mind used the symbolism.

Anyway, it's played on my mind, not played, but I have actually given that dream some thought, perhaps because it's so useful to me. This memory of leaving someone does cause me pain, and my mind or whoever, is trying to show me how to look at it, in a way that's healed. So I did actually write something, while sitting in a cafe mulling it over.

Life's a Bowl of Strawberries

Life's a bowl of strawberries. Most people go through their days with little bits of happiness scattered amid the mundane greyness of getting through the day – and luckily, most people are too busy to notice the darkness in the sky —or have enough alcohol to forget, and taste each nugget of transient joy in the empty wasteland as though it will last forever.

But every now and again, just once in a while, true bliss enters the greyness of a life, and it's colour is so bright, and it's taste so sweet, that the agony of the truth is overridden for a time --, that it's a part of the changing world and will change with it -- that luscious taste can only be in one moment in time – is unbearable. If only I'd realised at the time, the desert that we were in, that forever after I'd dream of the sweetness with a mouth burning dry – I'd have watched each moment minutely – and yearned to be free.

Oh Strawberry dessert enchantment, desert desserted, I am.

Sabotaging Cult Spirit

I was staying in some place that was run by a religious cult. My alarm clock on the phone had been taken over by a spirit that was making sure it didn't go off on time. Now, I remember it as an evil spirit, though in my notebook I've only written down 'spirit'.

After I wrote that part, I remembered the part that came before it, which was that some people were lost and came to ask me directions to the youth hostel.

Interpretation

Well, the day I had this dream was the day I was planning to buy the first ticket of my epic journey to Asia, so it could be saying that there's a part of my mind which doesn't want to take risks and so is trying to sabotage it.

The Youth Hostel part lets me know that the dream is about travel.

Another thought is that I assosiate cults with being trapped, which is how I feel now.

As it turns out, I didn't get the ticket, even though the clock wasn't sabotaged. I left the hostel at eight and there just were'nt enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Though I'm intending to make a decision and buy the ticket before I leave London in two days.

Overall, it seems positive, that the dream is for my planned trip.

Junko Imanishi's Gifted Strawberries

Junko sent me a gift through the post, which arrived at my Aunt's house. I was so happy that I junped up and down for joy. I knew that I could finally tell people how much I love her rather than not mention it.

I ran out into the garden and opened the beautiful box, and realised, with some surprise, that the gift was actually fresh strawberries.

I imagined her picking them out and deciding to risk sending them, even though they're fresh, and was kind of disappointed that it was something that I couldn't keep forever. Then I just decided to eat them and enjoy the moment -- because most of all I was overjoyed that she had contacted me at last.

Interpretation

Not being able to talk about these strong feelings is harder now that I don't hear from her.

I think possibly it relates to something I'm planning. When we were in Perth, I took some negatives and transparencies of our times together. I risked having the negatives printed so that I could send her a set, though I was worried of damage as they're so precious. It turned out OK though.

Because I'm trying to leave the UK now I'll have to put them in storage, and I never did dare get around to having the transparencies scanned. Perhaps because, well no, really because they mean so much to me, they also contain the best picture I ever took. Of her in Victoria Youth Hostel, cutting a piece of cheese for our breakfast, with really fantastic light falling accross her.

I'm thinking of finally scanning them tomorrow; once they're digitised, they're much safer I guess. I think the strawberries show that sometimes in life, you have to enjoy things with an open hand, because there's nothing that lasts forever; you can't eat your strawberries as well as have them, and perhaps I should just have them scanned without feeling sad and missing her but just being glad of the experience of having met her?